Attack of the Sporks
by exterminatecake
Summary: Tara Gilesbie has launched an attack on the Naruto fandom. When this happens, a blatant self-insert gathers the canon to fight back. You don't fight fire with fire, and you don't fight badfic with badfic. You fight badfic with... sporks. This. Is. War.


**AN: Hello, and welcome to...**

**Attack of the Sporks.**

this is regular text

**this is quotes from Time Of Your Life and possibly other badfic**

It was a perfectly ordinary day in Konoha. The sun was shining, it was the weekend (so there were no missions assigned), and everyone was happy.

Until the girl came.

She was rather young-looking, about thirteen or fourteen, and she was wearing pants made out of an odd, dark blue, scratchy, stiff fabric. Her hair was short and blonde and she was wearing rectangular glasses. She had an odd hat perched on her head. And, incidentally, she appeared right in the middle of Konoha, grabbed Naruto and Sakura by their ears, and dragged them to the Hokage's office, where it was revealed that most other ninjas were also there.

"Hello, fellow human beings! My name is… Well, no names for now, but call me Stardust!" She shushed several ninjas who were trying to speak up to introduce themselves. "I already know who you lot are."

"Well, I'm sure we all have lots of questions, such as 'Why the hell are you taking over our immediate lives and why don't we seem to care,' but first and foremost is my question," a bewildered Tsunade said from behind her desk, "which is; what in the name of sanity have you got on your head?"

Stardust blinked. "Well, it's a… I'm not sure of the name, but it's a sort of British military-style hat."

"British?" Sakura asked. _What in the world is that?_ she added in her head.

"Yeah, long story. Anyway!" Stardust clapped her hands loudly, making several people jump, "time to tell you why I'm here. Well, it's because… how to explain the multiverse theory to a bunch of ninja… Think of trousers! They both start off at the same place, but then they split into two slightly different pant legs!"

The ninja all made a collective "lolwut" face at her.

"Well, in different universes, things are different, like with the trousers."

All across the room, palms were becoming quite acquainted with faces.

"In one of these worlds, known to the others as 'The First,' all of the other universes show up at one point or another as comics, TV shows, books, plays, anything you can think of. Your universe shows up as both a comic and a TV show. And a few movies. Sadly, this world also spawns fanfiction. You know, stories that fans write about their favorite show slash movie slash book slash whatever? Well, someone is writing an abomination about you guys, and I thought you should see it."

They all blinked, and then there was a flurry of questions.

"SHUT UP!" Stardust yelled. "I'm firing up the projector now, so if you want to see what this girl is writing about you guys, just be quiet!"

Morbid curiosity, being too strong for its own good, won the battle over the urge to either kick Stardust into next week or barrage her with questions.

Due to a convenient plot hole, a projector that was not mentioned until now was fired up and a small row of black words appeared onscreen.

"Someone has to read, and it won't be me" Stardust stated grimly. She held out a handful of straws. Sakura got the short one. Naruto, the idiot, got the longest one.

(There's a joke in there somewhere, if you can find it.)

"**it's tara, im back! sorry i waz away 4 so long but first i decided not 2 put up a story 4 a wile cuz of u h8er prepz nd i waz sent 2 rehab 4 cutting nd only got back last mnoth i pretended 2 stop so they'd release me, but im neva gonna stop wroshipping staan!1!"**

As Sakura read those words out loud, tripping over the swear words and worship of "Stan," the entire room burst out laughing. Except Sasuke. He's too emo to laugh.

He also is very rational. "It sounds as if we missed something. I believe this is the author speaking, and she is talking as if we should know who she is."

Stardust grinned nervously. "Well… she originally wrote an even worse fanfiction for a series called Harry Potter. I might have you read it sometime if she makes too many references to it…"

Sakura went on.

"**MA MOM IZ A FUKIN PREP SHE TOOK ALL MA MCR POSTERS WIL I WAZ GONE!1!11! haha**.. lawl? ell oh ell?** anyway dis is about ma new fave show Nariuto! i luv it so much itz so fukin kool!1! ya an my main charectar iz like enoby except her nam iz alabaster!1!1 (gettit cuz her skin is white cuz she's a vampire nd abalaster is another word 4 white) hiya raven i luv ya bunches! say hi 2 katy 4 meh~ i lov her 2 ya no, but i luv y both da same biches"**

"'Bitch' is not a term of endearment. I learned that the hard way…" Jiraiya chuckled perversely.

Tsunade hit him on the back of the head and took a swig from her bottle. "Go on, Sakura."

**PREPZ**… prepz? what?** DN'T FLAME DA STORY K?/1/?1?"**

"What a youthful use of punctuation!" Lee yelled from the corner.

"Oh, Lee!" Gai yelled back. "It is indeed!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Le-"

"SHUT UP!" Stardust roared for the second time that day.

"Oh… it looks like the story is starting… **my name is abalaster dark'ness denouement crimson smith nd I am a vampire from a normal skool in da middle of noware. everyone callz me aba 4 short."**

"Every single piece of information in the paragraph was irrelevant," Gaara (who was here through yet another convenient plot hole) noted. Sasuke nodded in agreement from the corner.

"**I waz wakling down a sidewalk going 2 school with m my 2 bffls anita (raven dis is u! I luv u stilll1!) nd cathlin (katy I no I just met u btu u r liek relly awesoem nd I hpoe u liek being n my story)"**

"So… the author is putting her friends in her story?" Ino asked. "That seems dumb."

"Yeah, it's stupid!" Naruto agreed quickly, if only to not look stupid himself.

"**nd we were geting realy mean looks frm da prepz. we stuk our middle fingres up at dem cuz we r cooler than dem nd we know"**

"She's being super rude!" Naruto exclaimed. "That's not cool at all!"

Everyone looked at him oddly.

"**2day I waz wearing a ripped up black skirt made up of tons of layers of like tulle and stuff, a ripped up blak corset wit lace nd thigh high blck boots made of like leather. my hair iz long nd blak and has red streeks in it. i have super big green eys dat r da color of grass nd my skin is relly really white. anita waz wearing a black leater mini dress wit red plaid trim at da bottom. her hair iz short nd dyed white and blak stripes. caithlin waz wearing relly pretty black high heeled leather bootsand a little plaid mini nd a black shrit dat said good charlotte on it cuz that's one of our faveorit bands."**

"Those outfits are so not practical or stylish whatsoever!" Ino bemoaned.

"I have never heard of Good Charlotte, did she make that up?" Kakashi asked from his corner.

Hinata whispered something about how saying you have green eyes the color of grass (which is green) is extremely redundant.

"What's a 'shrit?'" Naruto asked.

Jiraiya was staring off into space with a drooling look on his face.

Shikamaru was napping.

Anko was wondering where she could get slightly sexier clothes like that. Maybe with a bit more leather.

"**suddenly… a giant swirling vortex apearred out of noware nd sucked us in! when we oke up we were in our favorit show Nariuto! **And… well… that's the end of the chapter."

"Well, that didn't seem too bad. A bit heavy on the spelling mistakes, her grammar could use a touch-up, and the writing wasn't that great, but I didn't see anything bad in there about us." Iruka, as a teacher, could not resist the chance to critique a piece of writing.

"Well, that's why we're looking at the first three chapters! After that, it'll be your choice whether to go on or not." Stardust was bouncing up and down on her toes, then on her heels. She clicked the "next" button on the projector.

"Who got the next shortest straw?" she questioned."

It was Tsunade.

"**look u prepz idk what ur talkin about im tara!1! **Why would she not be?"

"There's a bit on controversy on whether this is the author who wrote the famous bad fanfiction 'My Immortal.' Carry on," Stardust motioned.

"**if u dont like the story den don't read it!11!"**

"We can stop?" Naruto asked excitedly.

"No."

"**raven fangz 4 helping wit this chapter it was so cool of you nd fangz 2 katy 4 likeing it! **'Fangs?' As in, sharp animal teeth?"

"It's her special way of saying 'thanks.' 'Cause she's goffic."

Tsunade took another swig from her bottle. Shizune wrung her hands nervously.

"**guyz im sorry if it isnt as good as my immortal cause i no how much u luved it (cept katy cuz she wasnt there lol) but its just starting remmber! oh yah nd FUK U PREPZ! QUIT FLAMIN!1!"**

"What is 'flaming?'" Sakura queried.

"Leaving bad reviews that say an author's story is crap," Stardust explained.

"They appear to be well-deserved," Gaara noticed in his monotone voice.

"**i woke up in a forrest in da middle of nowere. "omfs were in naruito!1!" i shrieked cause i recngized the trees and stuff."**

"That was fast," Kakashi noted.

"**we were in the forest of death! "omfs seriosly?" anita yelled "dat is so fukin cool!""**

Anko grinned. "The Forest of Death certainly is cool. It has blood-sucking slugs that will kill those three in three…"

"**we ran arond trying to find a ninja so we could talk to them but it seemed to be deserted."**

"… two…"

"**caithlin sed dat it was probably only open during the Chuunen exams."**

"… one…"

"**so we walked out and went to konoho."**

"DAMNIT!"

"**when we were there i saw a really hawt boy with black hair stickin up (AN: **… what is an AY-EN?"

"Author's note. Little comment inserted by the author."

"**it does not look liek a duck"**

Everyone turned to look at Sasuke.

"**but idk y people say dat but it does NOT it looks al kool nd goffic!11!1!1!) nd a black t shirt dat sed MCR on it. his pants were all kool nd black wit tons of pockets wit chains driping out of them. it was…. Sauske!1!1!"**

Everyone burst out laughing. Naruto literally fell off his chair and rolled on the floor.

Sakura blushed and sighed, falling into a daydream.

Tsunade swigged pretty much the entire bottle.

Sasuke did not want to be alive.

"End of the second chapter! Next shortest straw, come on up!" Stardust called out.

Sasuke stood up, setting off another round of giggles.

"**AN: hay raven dis is wat u get 4 being a bitch!1! u 2 caithlin!1!1! ur both pozer prepz!1!1 if u didnt like my immortal den u shouldnt have red it or helpd me rite it like raven!1! FUK U!1!11 PREPZ QUIT FALMING DA STORY K!1!"**

Naruto was still rolling on the floor, laughing his butt off.

"This is too glorious," Stardust grinned evily.

""**i looked up at him. "hay Sauske" I giggled**

**"hey wats ur name" he asked shyly" **Sasuke looked up. "I. Am. Not. Shy."

Sakura was still lost in her fangirl daydream.

"**"abalasert but you can call me aba" i grinned**

**"nice name" he smelled**

**"thanks" i barked"**

Kiba looked up. "Is she a dog now? Keep her away from my clan."

"**"i'm anita nd this is caithlin" anita flipped her hair and opened her big crimson eyes very wide nd looking relly pretty like a pentagram (AN: geddit cuz she's a stanist)"**

"No, I don't get it," Kakashi deadpanned.

"A pentagram instead of a cross, because she's a Satanist." Shikamaru lifted his head up for a second to explain, then went back to sleep.

"**between amy lee nd a vampire"**

"Who's Amy Lee?" Hinata mumbled.

"No clue," Naruto gasped from the floor, just getting over his fit of hysterics..

"**caithlin giggled and played with a strand of her hair.**

**i took my friends off 2 the side "r u flirting with him?"**

**"of coarse i am i am a bitch nd so is caithlin" anita glared at me"**

There was a stunned silence as they considered the fact that anyone would be stupid enough to say that.

"**i killed dem both with a steak" **Sasuke paused and looked almost as if he was holding back a laugh. "I'm sorry… she slapped them with a cut of meat until they died?"

Naruto went back into hysterics.

"Tara, the author, mixes up the wooden stake and the meat kind," Stardust sighed. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a nap."

"**nd sucked their blood nd threw there bodies off a bridge then came back too sasukie. "sorry i waz in da bathroom""**

"That's worse than my excuses," Kakashi observed.

Sakura looked at him in disbelief. "No, it isn't."

**"were are your frends" he asked" **Sasuke struggled with then next word, and then finally spat it out,** "cutely**

**"oh i killed them nd threw their bodies in da river cause they were poser bitches"**

**"kawai" he smiled "hey mcr is having a concert just outsid of konoha you want to come?"**

**"yeah!" i smelled at him nd went off to find a place to stay"**

"End of the chapter."

Everyone looked up to find Stardust standing up on the table.

"Do you want to go on, or save your brains?"

After a quick vote, they decided they wanted to go on (mostly just so that they could see Lee and Gai all goffed up).

"Very well. Who has the next shortest straw?"

**ZOMG ITZ SO DARAMATIC**

**Review, my pretties.**


End file.
